Solo Tabletop RPG Review & Actual Play – Fake Guru, Real Vice

Fake Guru, Real Vice (Sealed Library)
Written & Designed by Sealed Library

You can purchase this game here.

Based on Chris Bissette’s The Wretched, Fake Guru, Real Vice asks the player to imagine they are someone who has influenced the thoughts & behaviors of the masses. You may be a famous self-help figure, a tech billionaire turned motivational speaker, or an influential megachurch preacher in my game. You’ve accrued a lot of material wealth and skeletons in your closet. Those skeletons are about to break out, starting with a popular gossip magazine’s story exposing just some of them. Your PR team has assured you they are taking legal action and that nothing more will come out. However, when you are honest with yourself, you admit much more is about to explode. 

The game is played with a standard deck of cards, a single 6-sided die, a Jenga-style block tower, and ten tokens. The game frames each round of play as a day. Each day consists of two parts: The News Cycle and The Diary. For the News Cycle, you roll your die, and that is the number of cards you draw. Each card is a new scandal that has leaked. You resolve any block pulls these cards require and then move to the Diary. The Diary is where your guru will reflect on the details of these scandals and their state as a result of their revelation to the public. The primary way the game ends is if the block tower collapses, with it representing your career. However, some cards open up potential alternate endings.

My guru is Reverend Randall Warren, 53, the head of the Sacred Crossings Church of the Holy God in Houston, Texas, Sacred Crossings for short. Among his religious media empire, Randall has his weekly Sunday sermons broadcast in syndication around the U.S., Canada, Mexico, and parts of Central & South America. There is also a television station dedicated to Randall and his associates in the church, The Jesus News Network (JNN). Randall has authored 30 books (in reality, all but the first two were ghostwritten), including titles like The Best Life Through Christ, A Prayer for Tradition, Tough Times in a Christian Light, MAGA (Make America Godly Again), and The Reality of Miracles. 

Christine Zimmer, a reporter from the Houston Observer, contacted the good reverend. They will be doing a story on the Sacred Crossings corporation, and it won’t be good, especially for Randall. For my game, I tweaked things a bit. Instead of each round being a day, I framed it as a week. So much happens that it felt too wild to be one day. Also, instead of writing in a private diary, I thought it would be funnier to make them Randall’s public responses on his Sacred Crossings blog, typically used to coerce his flock into buying more worthless shit. Now it becomes his place to run damage control and convince his followers to keep following.

We kick things off with Randall’s introductory post to let his congregation know something is coming:

I’ve spent half the day on the phone with my P.R. team; they’ve sent a threatening legal letter to the Daily Enquirer and press releases to all the more reputable papers. I’m sure it’ll be fine. There’s no way

they could have the stuff they claim to. The head of my legal team, Joel Tilton, has told me they are fighting tooth & nail against the Fake News. They already have a defamation suit written up, ready to fill in the blanks if the paper goes through with the story. This happened once before, decades ago, when I was an up-and-coming preacher in Lubbock. The Devil never stops attacking the Lord’s most vital, and as we can see, he is working overtime to bring me down. 

With All Christ’s Undying Love, Reverend Randall Warren

Week One

The News Cycle (3 cards)

Randall binged on absinthe all weekend and some more just before an interview on Happy Morning USA, a morning talk show. During this interview, he commented off-hand about believing in ghosts and that his house is haunted. This doesn’t make much sense, as he had it custom-built three years ago. Now his agent is pushing Randall to go on one of those ghost-hunting shows. Finally, the health food line promoted on the Sacred Crossings website has been exposed as full of untested additives.

The Blog Post

The Lord has blessed me with wealth, and I am being shamed for using it. I do not claim to be a sinless man; I am a fallen child of Christ, Our Lord. In a moment of weakness, I imbibed foreign spirits, which you may have seen during my appearance on Happy Morning USA. All I can say is that Satan is a tricky one and is ruthless when it comes to trying to tear down our Lord’s most vigorous defenders. Get behind me, Devil!

During this same interview, I said that I believe our loved ones can still watch over us even when they pass on to the glory of our Lord, and this was spun as me believing in ghosts. Now I have a bunch of heathens camped out on the outside of the gates, buzzing the intercom at all times of day, asking if I would look at a video or listen to audio they recorded in some ramshackle house. It does not help that Pauline (agent) has said I could court a new demographic if I were to make a guest spot on something like TLC’s The Spirit Files. I reminded her of the three books I wrote in the 2000s (still on sale in our website’s store) about demon possession and that ghost culture was wicked.

On top of my interview tonight, I just heard from Delmar in the Lifestyle Division that our Rapture Buckets must be recalled due to ingredients the FDA (Deep State) has deemed “illegal.”. He had assured me when we signed that contract with the manufacturer in Salt Lake City, everything was FDA-approved. Don’t worry, my fellow believers; we will get through this in the name of Christ.

Week Two

The News Cycle (1 card)

Randall attends a fancy A-list party at a well-known actor’s ranch. When he arrives, it turns out this is a fairly debauched drug-fueled orgy. Randall did not immediately leave.

The Blog Post

“I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.”

On Saturday, May 13th, I attended a party outside of Houston hosted by famous actor Colin Scotto. Colin had previously appeared in one of Sacred Crossings’ streaming offerings; God Can’t Die. I was looking forward to possibly sharing a time of fellowship with Colin and some of his friends, spreading the Gospel to even more souls in need. It was a masquerade ball, which seemed strange. You all know my stance on Halloween and the sinfulness of wearing masks. I attended, but UNMASKED! Wouldn’t cowboys and cowgirls have been a better fit? 

About twenty minutes into arriving with Betsy, I went to use the facilities and walked in on a couple of men (I believe they may have been homosexuals) snorting lines of cocaine in the bathroom. I’m no stranger to such substances; before I was saved, I did partake of some base vices. A little later into the party, I felt Satan overtake me. That is why Betsy caught me in a bedroom indulging with one of the male guests. I tried to explain this to her as we drove home, but she was very silent. I pray that the Lord might shine his illuminating light so that she might understand the spiritual warfare I am engaged in. Lift me in your prayers, and together we will stop this assault on me, our church, and America.

Week Three

The News Cycle (4 cards)

A small company Randall owns goes bust leaving customer orders unfulfilled. Someone starts talking to the tabloids claiming to be his Australian love child. Leaked documents reveal most of Randall’s money has been moved offshore to avoid taxes. A brief moment of candor on social media increases his followers, and Randall leans into that.

The Blog Post

I want to be honest with you. Our Food Buckets program is ending. Because of the endless assault by the Deep State, we have had to shutter the factory doors. This means those of you who placed orders and are waiting will not receive the product. As you know, Sacred Crossings has a strict “no refunds” policy which is explained in my book on financial advice, “Cashing In With Christ” (available in the website store). I ask for your patience, understanding, and, most importantly, your prayers in this difficult time.

Satan is letting loose to stop me. This week alone, I saw the failing New York Times publish a story about how the IRS claims I owe $6 million in back taxes. I counter that this money is a blessing from the Lord, and it is between him and me. Of course, they want my money to fund their forced homosexuality training programs in schools and to help illegals buy sport utility vehicles when they ILLEGALLY cross the southern border. 

Then there was the appearance of that harlot Teresa Ryan. She claimed to be my “Australian love child,” which is ludicrous. I have a strict “No Travel to Australia” policy at Sacred Crossings. That is explained in greater detail in my best-selling book “Hell is Down Under” (available in the website store). Please lift me in your prayers and start voicing your opposition all across social media to this attack on me and America.

Week Four

The News Cycle (3)

Randall slips and cracks his head at a pool party and is rushed to the hospital. The next day, Randall wakes up with an adrenaline needle in his arm. He also gets caught eating too many mushrooms and freaking out at a party (I decided to combine all these into a disastrous event.)

The Blog Post

Unlike the lame-stream media, who constantly push their liberal agenda, I am interested in facts. Here are the facts:

Fact: I needed to escape the constant attacks I am under and took a weekend trip to visit the Sacred Crossing Adventure Ranch outside of Goldthwaite.

Fact: I found that the teenage counselors we employ at the Adventure Ranch had turned it into a den of iniquity.

Fact: I was too exhausted to deal with this issue immediately and napped in a poolside lounge chair.

Fact: I partook of what appeared to be a delicious mushroom fricassee from the Ranch canteen

Fact: I woke up bleeding from my head by the pool with an adrenaline needle in my arm and a paramedic speaking to me. He claimed I was doped up on MDMA and something called “Miaomiao.” 

I was knocked unconscious by someone at the Ranch and injected with these horrible drugs in an attempt to frame me. I have immediately called for every employee at the Adventure Ranch to be fired immediately. Sacred Crossings is a faith & fact-based church, and it is a fact that the Devil wants nothing more than to see me suffer.

Week Five

The News Cycle (2)

A tabloid reports that one of Randall’s longtime celebrity friends believes in the “beetle people” conspiracy about politicians and world leaders. Randall gets lumped in with this. Photos from Randall’s appearances at various award shows appear on an esoteric conspiracy blog that claims he is making hand gestures that imply allegiance to the Illuminati.

The Blog Post

Grant Waters was one of our great action movie stars of the 1980s. I was so thankful when we secured him to appear in one of our most-viewed streaming offerings, “Santa Is a Socialist: The True Christmas Chronicles 4.” But Grant is not healthy at this point; he has backslid and needs to repair his relationship with Christ. He recently posted on social media about a belief that most politicians and world leaders are secretly “Beetle People.” This is, of course, absurd, but I do offer him up in my prayers for spiritual healing. The reality is that most politicians and world leaders are part of a conspiracy that drinks the tears of orphaned white children kept in cages suspended by chains from the ceiling of underground Satanic temples. Like I said in my last post, Sacred Crossing is about Faith & Facts. 

One of these “Beetle Boys,” as they call themselves, has started posting photos of me at award shows and claiming I am making signs that show my collusion with the so-called beetle overlords. This was simply an awkward wave captured by a photographer for the Fake News. A person can’t even wave at a friend anymore in this country. Keep at it, prayer warriors. We have them backed into a corner.

Week Six

The News Cycle (3 cards)

Randall goes to an awards show, drinks too much wine, and goes up on stage to accept an award he did not win. A cop arrested Randall for attempting to buy drugs in the public bathroom of a highway truck stop. The mugshot gets leaked. During a subsequent press conference, Randall experiences a “trouser malfunction.”

The Blog Post

While I was attending the 2023 Faith Awards (Faithies), someone slipped a narcotic into my fruit punch drink. I was not able to retain the glass for chemical testing. As a result, I walked on stage when my fellow brother in Christ, Rick Fletcher, won Best Weekly Televangelist Broadcast. I have spoken with Rick privately, and we have worked things out. This is between myself, Rick, and God. Period. 

I developed debilitating migraines due to the spiking of my drink and began searching out alternative medicine options. A friend directed me to a homeopath named Lil’ Boots. Mr. Boots asked that I meet him at the rest stop off Highway 45, and I agreed. If there’s one thing you know about me, I do not believe we demand where we meet the Lord, we meet the Lord where he is, and I knew that I could not pass up an opportunity to fellowship with Mr. Boots. A police officer walked in on Mr. Boots and me exchanging money for the remedy I was told would cure my migraines. I did not know at the time the baggie in my hand contained PCP. 

You all know that I Back the Blue. FULL STOP. However, I do believe this officer was part of the Deep State. He was Mexican. I tried to explain what was happening, but Satan covered his ears and heart. I was arrested and booked, which explains the mugshot appearing across the media.

This was followed by a press conference wherein my assistant, Carlotta, failed to ensure my wardrobe was prepared correctly. I walked out on stage, and before I stepped behind the podium, there was a BRIEF glimpse of my male member through my unzipped fly. I apologize to parents who had to deal with a subsequent difficult conversation with their children because of Carlotta’s complete failure in her position. If there’s one thing I cannot stand, it is someone who claims they can do a job and fails to do so. Carlotta was fired immediately following that press conference, and we are exploring potential legal charges that could be filed against her.

Week Seven

The News Cycle (4 cards)

A company Randall endorses has been revealed to use child labor. After a night in Vegas, Randall is photographed wearing nothing but a traffic cone in a hotel lobby. The doctor who prescribes Randall’s many painkillers gets arrested for handing them out like candy. Randall admits he believes aliens abducted him.

The Blog Post

The Lord’s creation is far more mysterious than we can understand. For instance, I visited Las Vegas for a Faith, Family, & Firearms convention when strange lights appeared in the sky. I remember lying on a cold metal table and strange large-eyed beings standing over me. I will not detail the procedures they did to me, but it was clear that what appeared to be aliens were, in fact, the never-ceasing devils that work in Satan’s employ. I was dropped onto the street naked as the day I was born. I was compelled to grab a traffic cone and wear it as a hat, instinctively understanding it would protect my mind from their manipulations until I could get further help. The closest refuge was the Bellagio Hotel lobby, where those horrible smartphone videos were recorded. 

You can understand my shock when I checked in with my longtime personal physician Dr. Martin Speck and found he had been arrested for issuing illegal prescriptions. Thankfully, my scrips were perfectly legal and above board. Sacred Crossings is working with local law enforcement to provide them with documentation proving this fact. However, a recent move due to my TEMPORARY separation from Betsy has resulted in an inability to find said documents. They will be found!

And regarding the photographs released from the ChemCo factory in American Samoa were as shocking to me as they were to you. I was completely unaware that this company provided much of the contents of our now-discontinued Food Buckets. If I had known they primarily made animal food pellets and feed, I would never have agreed to let them produce the healthy & filling meals provided for in the Food Buckets. I also was utterly astonished to see their entire workforce was made of young elementary school-aged children. I am a big proponent of House Bill 475 – The Children Are Happy When They Work Act, but I do not believe what happened at the ChemCo factory complied with what that bill hopes to accomplish.

Week Eight 

The News Cycle (3 cards)

A tv news story reveals the aggressive tactics used by a call center to squeeze money from the supporters of Sacred Crossings. Randall appears on an unfamiliar podcast and discovers it is a far-right conspiracy show. Video leaks of Randall blowing up at his new assistant over messing up his complex drink order. 

The Blog Post

We should expect the best out of ourselves and those around us. I expected the best from my new assistant, Marlene. I was very clear about what I could and could not have in my coffee drink from Starbucks. I cannot say if it was an act of defiance or a clouded mind, but she failed in every regard. I do not hold my employees to any standard; I do not hold myself. Marlene was fired following the release of that video, and we are currently researching legal action that can be taken against her.

Marlene also booked me onto the “Bolder with Schroeder” podcast. I was unfamiliar with Mr. Schroeder’s work, but I knew he was a God-fearing conservative. I did leave when Mr. Schroeder began his hour-long talk about why “dick flicking” his staff did not constitute sexual harassment but “harmless horseplay.” I know Mr. Schroeder is going through a difficult time with his pending divorce, but I do not believe that means he can touch the genitals of his all-male staff. We offer up Mr. Schroeder in prayer at this time.

Finally, the Sacred Crossing Call Center & Data Clearinghouse employees are not “too aggressive,” as Houston Action News claimed in their report Thursday evening. I believe my employees are filled with the Spirit of the Lord, and to the heathens that constructed this smear piece, they might appear that way. Those of us with a genuine connection to Jesus understand that when you feel the fire of the Spirit, it just cannot be contained. We are deeply sorry that some of our expanded television congregation do not have strong money management skills. I recommend my best-selling book on the topic “Biblical Budgets, Christian Cash Flow.” (Currently on sale in our website’s store).

Week Nine

The News Cycle (3)

News about Randall’s Adderall addiction has leaked. Video is captured of Randall walking his toy dogs while getting coffee and subsequently getting tangled up in the dog leashes and falling to the ground. A weekend is spent at an expensive detox spa where Randall’s press team leaks many flattering photos.

The Blog Post

My friends in Christ. I come to you feeling rejuvenated after yet another difficult week. My week began with news of my Adderall use being leaked. I continue to stand by my statement that I did as I was told by my FORMER doctor Martin Speck. I now know this is what I get for putting my faith in the lame-stream medical community rather than in the Lord God Jesus Christ, Our Savior. My withdrawals from these pills account for my awkwardness so cruelly captured and shared by the Fake News. Can’t a man walk his chihuahuas and get coffee at Starbucks in peace anymore? Apparently, NOT in Joe Biden’s America!

My weekend stay at Sacred Crossings’ state-of-the-art relaxation center Faithful Horizons has renewed my devotion to my ministry and the Lord. Shared with this post are some candid shots staff took. I feel that God inspired them to share the beauty of this process and the healing that can happen when putting one’s faith entirely in the Lord and not these dangerous (Satanic?) doctors. 

Week Ten

The News Cycle (4)

Hot mic audio after meeting some fans goes public with Randall levying horrible insults about them. Randall is also photographed looking terribly out of shape and gorging himself on fast food. Randall is filmed returning from the woods after a jog and getting lost during a storm. He met a group of Old Testament believers and had to spend the night. They gave him traditional clothes to wear. Also, Randall’s college roommate has just been arrested and revealed to be a serial killer.

The Blog Post

I will not be ashamed of my faith; Praise Jesus. My recent evening spent in the company of The Abrahamic Covenant was made into an attempt to shame me. While I don’t dress like that regularly, getting back in touch with those biblical roots felt good. I was almost sad to return to the world but happy knowing I was spreading God’s Word to those in need. 

I will also not be ashamed for enjoying the bounty of the harvest. In this case, I am referring to the sleazy photographs of me eating five Greasy Gutbusters at Burgie’s. Burgie’s has long been one of our faith’s greatest apostles, blending the Christian faith with high-quality fast food options. While the liberals would love to execute every cow in America and burn them into ashes, it remains we Christians who must protect these greatest of God’s creatures by eating them between two buns and garnished with produce to rival that of the Garden of Eden. 

And I will not be ashamed to speak the truth. My backstage audio was leaked during my appearance on Close Eye with Tricia Hellman after talking to some of my concerned “fans” in the audience. It became apparent to me that they had been fed questions by Hellman’s staff, clearly nothing but liberals and groomers from what I could see. Afterward, I commented to my new assistant Chloe about the intellectual capacity of these audience plants, and these statements were edited and taken out of context. My legal team is researching our options regarding Close Eye and its staff. I have also fired Chloe, and we plan to file a suit against her next week.

Finally, about my college roommate David William Burke aka The Dallas Decapitator, I did not witness any behavior during our two years as roommates at Texas A&M that would have led me to believe he was capable of such acts. When sharing a living space with Mr. Burke, he was a quiet person who never cut the heads off of anyone or anything I was aware of. While the report published in the Houston Observer claims he began his killings in his junior year, I never saw him bring back any body parts to our dorm room. I have to believe he was committing his carnal sins with them at an off-campus site that is yet to be found. We Back the Blue here at Sacred Crossings, which means we are in full cooperation with Houston’s Finest in providing information to help find the mass grave that Mr. Burke has alluded to.

Week Eleven

The News Cycle (3 cards)

Randall has been a member of a yoga group that is now being labeled a cult. An audition video had leaked on YouTube from when Randall was an aspiring actor in the 1990s. It is being viewed as problematic. Randall has been revealed to have a crippling Bingo addiction. 

The Blog Post

The Celestial Summoning yoga group is NOT a cult! I have chosen to step away from this group despite it being one of the few things left that helped my mental health. Yes, Guru Gobind Rai Mahesh did self-publish the book “I Am God, Worship Me,” but this was something I was not aware of when I joined the group. When I learned that he was associated with blasphemous material such as that, I wrote a sternly worded email to him and have not attended any subsequent meetings. I have felt my mental health decline since making this decision. I hope you all are happy.

Regarding the audition tape, I was young and had not yet found my faith. My stage name was Brian Atene to help clear up any confusion. I had heard that the director Stanley Kubrick was in production on an all-white remake of Porgy and Bess. I have learned since then that it was just a prank my former college roommate pulled. While I spoke in what the media calls a “stereotypically racist voice,” I adhered to my innocence as a young 20-year-old man. I don’t believe I was born with the capability to see race; therefore, nothing I did can be considered racist. 

What began as a way to bond with my late grandmother, Mary Eileen did spiral out of control into a gambling addiction. I will be returning to Faithful Horizons to seek treatment. Please keep me in your prayers. There is one God, and his name is Jesus!

Week Twelve

The News Cycle (4)

Randall gets implicated in the latest celebrity conspiracy “gate” with claims that Sacred Crossings is a meeting location. Randall violently tackles a child at a sporting event. Randall is caught outright plagiarizing lesser-known preachers in his more recent books. A friend comes out, claiming Randall did coke with him in the past.

The Blog Post

I come to you, my congregation in Christ Our Lord Jesus Christ, Holiest of Holies, with a heavy heart. I will be stepping down as the pastor of Sacred Crossings. I do not want to do this, but the corporation’s legal team (apparently part of the liberal Deep State) has turned the Board against me. In this last message (for now!) to those of you who have remained faithful, I want to address some things that happened in the previous week:

1. I was not plagiarizing the work of Pastors Darryl Cartwright and Filbert Lumpkin. I like to think that God does conference calls, so we often get the same messages simultaneously. Do not blame me if our books share similarities; take that up with the Lord.
2. My “friend” Cliff Tompkins is a dirty Devil-worshiping liar! Yes, I was present when he indulged in the Devil’s Dandruff, but I did not inhale myself. Could there have been cocaine particles swirling around in the air? Yes. Could I have ACCIDENTALLY inhaled some? Possibly. That’s all I will say on the matter. 
3. The Faith & Football event incident in Austin was not my fault. The “child” in question, Mikey Wilson, engaged in intense provocation toward me from the moment I stepped on the field to fellowship with the children. While the referee claims that he did not step out of bounds, I maintain that he did, and my subsequent tackle of Mikey was wholly warranted. If the loser referee had his glasses on, he might have been able to see with clarity. While I am no longer in direct communication with Sacred Crossings’ legal team, I am currently seeking legal counsel on our options in filing a lawsuit against the referee and Mikey Wilson.

Make sure to check out my new independent podcast coming soon, God’s Only Faithful Son.