So, I’m writing this from the airport. I’m sitting in the Delta Sky Lounge exceptionally early for our 5:30 connecting flight. I can honestly say that I sat in our hotel room the last 24 hours with anxiety in my gut that we had forgotten something, and they would tell us we could not board. I realized I have so much insecurity still to overcome in my life, and when we are settled, I do need to see a therapist. This morning, as my stomach roiled with worry, I thought about people who just live life without this kind of worry. I think it is a combination of stuff from when I was growing up and the anxiety induced by our extremely class-stratified society.
Here’s the Spotify playlist for the week.
Be on the lookout for a special podcast from The Netherlands this weekend. We still have a review of Malignant to share and just talk about what’s going on and how we’re feeling.
Here’s a totally bizarre thing I’ve been trying to make sense of. The thing that settled my stomach at the hotel was reading over posts on r/latestagecapitalism and r/collapse. I really want to understand why; I think it’s seeing that I’m not alone in my fears for the world, particularly the United States.
The last two and a half weeks have been a roller coaster of emotion. We sold the house, which had us elated, and then up until Tuesday had been living at my sister’s place. Being with my niece and nephew was such a great experience. They are 5 and 7 and such pure good kids who like to play and be silly. They helped remind me of some of the goodness still left in this place. A lot of my sadness comes from thinking about the world these children are being left. It’s entirely unfair to them, and they have every right to burn these systems to the ground.
Then we have the flip side, being in Nashville for the last three days. I hadn’t been in Nashville for more than an hour or two since the pandemic started, and it felt very bleak. Our state has just tanked its covid response out of a desire to appease a blood-red base. You can see and free the infrastructure crumbling. So many people look broken, whether it’s over-worked & abused service workers or consumers with a rabid look in their eye, wanting to pounce.
I found myself crying on a drive to grab some food to take back to our hotel, looking at the wasteland. I kept thinking, “It never had to be like this. All these people and all this opportunity, and this is what we chose.” Most people just keep numbing themselves to it all because it’s just easier that way. I hadn’t watched commercial television in years and indulged at the hotel. Commercials look like parodies. Every network show is a vapid sitcom or a drama about cops/doctors/lawyers. I think it may just be that I finally took the blinders off and am seeing what’s always been there.
I just finished The Parable of the Sower by Octavia E. Butler, and it feels like the exact right book for this time. It’s our society a decade or so from now, some people think they can hold onto the old way, but it’s clear that’s all gone now. There’s hope in the book, but it’s measured with a heavy dose of reality. I don’t know what the future will be like precisely for all of us. But, I hope we can do everything in our power to make it better than the present.